Guiding Star

She guides me, 

reminds me, 

at times defines me

And now she's died

i will not hide

(though part of me too has died)

(after Lemn Sissay's Love Poem:

You remind me

define me

incline me.

If you died

I'd)

When i visited Alison in hospital i was so grateful for the opportunity to be really present with her and her with me.  We cried and talked, held hands, kissed.  And i sobbed my heart out, unable to contemplate life without my soul-sistah, my best friend, the one person i had been able to be completely and utterly honest with at all times (even if that did mean that we had a few massive fall-outs!).  We infuriated each other at times but always, always there was the strongest pull that kept us coming back together.  What we had was way too good to lose.

As i sobbed with my head on the hospital bed covers and her hand on my head i told her that i didn't know how i could go on without her.  And she answered me, not with platitudes but with the words "I know.  I don't want to die".

The love poem that Lemn Sissay wrote kept jumping into my head and heart and soul.  I knew that when Alison died part of me would go with her, part of me could not live without her and ALL of me would have times of immense struggle without her by my side, at the end of the phone, through the miracle of Skype, or the medium of written word.

A friend emailed me this morning and wrote: I hope her star will continue to shine brightly over you.  And a girl who used to be one of my students sent me a message on Facebook:

"Did you know you were running with me along a lovely railway line in Dollar last night? I was running and you burst into my head and I felt this urge to contact you. It was very strange and compelling. Then this song came on my ipod so I thought I would share it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs. I know from your facebook posts that all is not right and I am truly sad about that. I am apparently sending strange messages of support?! and of course, all my love. Its always darkest before the dawn."

I love that railway line, walked it many moons ago when on a Franciscan Third Order Retreat.

Alison is guiding me and i will keep walking the path though i will often stumble.